At Doctor’s — Medical Jokes

Patient: But doctor, are you sure I’ll be better? I’ve heard of cases where the doctor has made a wrong diagnosis, and treated someone forpneumonia who afterward died of typhoid fever.

Doctor: Nonsense! When I treat a patient for pneumonia, he dies of pneumonia.

diagnosis диагноз
to treat лечить
pneumonia воспаление легких
typhoid fever брюшной тиф

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Doctor: You have an infection in your system. It will probably be necessary to pull out someteeth.

Patient (removing plates of false teeth): Here are all of them, doctor!

plates of false  teeth зубные протезы

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Patient: Doctor, can you give me something for my liver?

Doctor: How about some onions?

liver печень

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Patient: What, five pounds for removing my tooth? It only took you a few seconds!

Dentist: OK. Next time I’ll make it last all day.

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Dentist: Stop waving your arms and making faces, sir. Why, I haven’t even touched your teeth.

Patient: I know you haven’t, but you’re standing on my corn.

corn мозоль

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A young doctor, the son of a well-known professor of medicine, proudly told his father one day

— Imagine, dad! I’ve cured that lady you have been treating for ten years!

— She deserved it. It was her who paid for your studies,’ his father replied.

to cure вылечить
to deserve заслуживать

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The telephone rang in the office of the optometrist. He lifted the receiver, and heard the excited voice of an elderly lady: ‘Doctor, this is Mrs Smith. Come over to my house immediately, and bring several pairs of strong glasses!’

‘What’s wrong, Mrs Smith?’ asked the doctor. ‘It’s my daughter,’ she replied. ‘She has just returned from her honeymoon. Doctor, she needs stronger glasses! I’m sure this isn’t the same fellow she went to Italy with!’

optometrist окулист
excited взволнованный
honeymoon медовый месяц

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The way he groans and moans when he gets even the slightest cold, you can’t decide whether to call a doctor or a drama critic.

to groan тяжело вздыхать

to moan стонать