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There once was an old man of Esser,
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser,
It at last grew so small
He knew nothing at all,
And now he’s a college professor.
There once was a lady, Ilene,
Who liver on distilled kerosene,
But she started absorbin’
A new hydrocarbon
and since then she’d never benzene
There once was a lady from Hyde,
Who ate a green apple and died,
While her lover lamented,
The apple fermented,
and made cider inside her inside.
Еhere was a young lady one fall
Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section and all.
There was an old man of Philly,
Who was hooked on the movie Free Willy.
He quit his job at the jail,
for a dolphin and whale,
And so was the life of Wee Willy.
A mouse in her room woke Miss Doud
Who was frightened and screamed very loud
Then a happy thought hit her
To scare off the critter
She sat up in bed and just meowed
There once was a old man from Norway —
who cussed as he sat in a doorway-
the door smacked him flat-
and he yelled «what was that»?
that disgruntled old man from Norway!
There was a fat turkey named Sam,
Who gobbled whenever he ran.
He came out of the bush,
Presenting his tush,
And was shot up the arse by a man.
There once was a kid named Darren
Who’s room was surprisingly barren
He had no toys
Like all normal boys
But he did believe in sharing
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
After the ride
She was inside,
And the smile was on the face of the tiger
There once was a guy named Matt
Who had an overly large cat
When it chased a mouse
It shook the whole house
So Matt got rid of the cat.
There once was a consumer named Phil
Who really wanted to kill
A sly young vendor
Who mad him a big spender
And gave him a very large bill.
There was an announcer named Herschel
Whose habits became controversial,
Because when out wooing
Whatever he was doing
At ten he’d insert his commercial
There was an old lady from Clyde
Who ate forty apples and died
The apples fermented
inside the lamented
and made cider inside her insides
There once was a lady named Perkins
Who simply doted on Gherkins
They were so nice
She ate too much spice
and pickled her internal workin’s
I’ve been studying all night and I’m tired,
But I can’t sleep because I’m so wired.
So I’ll play on the net
‘Stead of going to bed,
And my tests will seem a quagmire.
There once was a girl whose name was Jen.
Whose room was as messy as a pig pen
It got so cluttered
She shook and muttered
Oh, but everything blends, AMEN.
There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass;
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think—
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
There once was a boy from Montreal
Who loved to play basketball
For a team he tried out
But if he made it, I doubt
For you see, he was three feet tall!
There once was a lady named Lynn
Who was so uncommonly thin,
that when she assayed
to drink lemonade,
she slipped through the straw and fell in!
There was a young man from Cape Cod
Who’s occupation was odd
He caught fish all day
Without any pay
There was a young man named Wyatt
whose voice was exceedingly quiet
And then one day
it faded away
A wonderful bird is the Pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belly can.
He can hold in his beak
Enough food for a week!
But I’ll be darned if I know how the hellican?
There once was a funny old whale
who had a magnificent tail
A seaport moved out
when the whale came about
and attempted to swim in a pail.
A dinosaur stomped into a mall
where people are tiny and small
Now why did you think
I was really extinct
the dinosaur roared with a drawl.
There once was a fellow named Jim
Who took his girl out for a spin
The speedometer rose
The gas pedal froze
They found parts of her but not him
There was a fat cat on a mat
Who liked to chase mice named pat.
He chased them around
And fell on the ground
And smashed them until they were flat
There was a young man from Melbourne
Who was hit over the head with a wombat
When asked did it hurt
He said ,» No not a bit
You can do it again if you like.»
Some people say that a limerick
Is some kind of anonymous gimmerick
A Lear or a Nash
May own up to this trash
But never a Wordsworth, a Herrick or Himmerick
There was a young man from the city,
Who saw what he thought was a kitty.
To make sure of that
He gave it a pat.
They buried his clothes; what a pity.
A disgusting old man from La Jolla
Has a habit that’s sure to anolla.
Before telling a joke
He’ll give you a poke,
And remark, «This’ll really destrolla.»
There was a young man from the Clyde
Who fell down a sewer and died
Along came his brother,
Who fell down another
And now they’re interred side by side!
There once was a fellow named Clyde
who went to a funeral and cried.
When asked who was dead,
he stammered and said
I don’t know, I just came for the ride.
There once was a lady from Spain
Who was sick as she rode on a train.
Not once, but again—
and again and again—
and again and again and again.
A man with two chins
Built bicycles for twins
He had on hand
A suitable brand.
Called them Siamese Schwinns.
A centipede from Syracuse
Played 2nd base for the Backyard Blues.
He was two hours late
Reporting to the plate
After tying all of his shoes.
There was a golfer from Verdun
Who was not to be outdone.
To avoid glitches
He carried spare britches
In case he got a hole in one.
A witty truck driver named Tex
Was arrested, and likely suspects,
’twas the sign on his door
that caused the uproar
It read simply «Oedipus Wrecks»
There was a young boy in my way
Who was always happy and gay
He jumped and he ran
Like a crazy old man
To avoid the fast moving sleigh
There once was a boy named John
Who owned a fifty-dollar bond
He felt so lucky
He bought a BIG rubber ducky
And now his money is all gone
The once was a man with a fro
who went by the name of Moe.
One dark night
He forgot his light,
And what’d ya know, he stubs his toe!
There once was a man named Bill Beebee
Who was in love with a girl named Phoebe
He said I must see
what the wedding fee be
Before Phoebe be Phoebe B. Beebee
There once was a man from Spain,
who often stood out in the rain.
He said with a grin,
«I should do this again,»
and then he went on to a plane!
There once was a man named Joe
Who had very crusty toes
He had corns and bunions
That smelled like onions
And that’s how the story goes
There once was a girl named O’Neil
Who went up on the great ferris wheel
But when half way around
She looked at the ground
And it cost her an eighty cent meal
There was a young fellow of Leeds
Who swallowed six packets of seeds.
In a month,silly ass,
He was covered with grass,
And he couldn’t sit down for the weeds.
A greasy old wino named Ray
gave the dollar «Lotto» a play.
Son of a bitch!
The bum struck it rich
and now he swills Mouton-Cadet!
There once was a cat named Pat,
Who didn’t know where he was at,
He looked up and down,
and then turned around,
Ran into a wall and went splat!!!
There was a young man from Lenore,
Whose mouth was as wide as a door.
While attempting to grin,
He slipped and fell in,
And laid inside out on the floor.
There once was a woman from Crete
who was so exceedingly neat,
when she got out of bed
she stood on her head
to keep from soiling her feet.
There once was a bear at the zoo
Who always had something to do
When it bored him, you know,
to go to and fro,
he reversed it and went fro and to.
There once was a boy named Joe
Who dropped a big brick on his toe
He asked, with a frown,
«Will the swelling go down?»
And the doctor said, «Yes. I think so.»
There once was a monster named Ned
He hid under little kids beds
He laid there all night
Waiting for a big bite
Only to be kicked in the head
There was a guy named Willy
Who liked to eat chile,
One day he ate too much,
His stomach went grunch
and made his house a smelly.
A daring and very bold tyke.
He took many chances,
Until he got squashed by a bike.
There was a toxic rat,
Who loved to slurp up fat,
He burped up a gopher,
That smelled of sulfur,
And also threw up a cat!
There once was a dragon named Dey-Do
Who ate nothing but old dried out Play-Do
When he met an old man
With his head in a pan
He thought he had met a potato.
Once in the rain I saw a man,
Strolling with an umbrella in hand.
When I said it was insane
To walk in the rain,
He said » Well then, I’ll just stand».
There was a young man named Madill
Who rode an alligator for a thrill.
When they came back from the ride
Madill cried and cried.
All this time, his handycam battery was nil.
There once was a man named Jim,
Who was so exceedingly slim,
That when he turned sideways
(Even without any hideaways)
You could see no sign of him !
Once there was a teacher
Who really liked the bleacher
So she stayed day and night
Holding it tight:
Her truly beloved bleacher
There was a young man from Peru.
Who wanted to live in a shoe.
A size six was too small.
So he walked down the mall,
And found a size twelve with a view.
There once was a boy named Lee,
Who always threw rocks at a tree.
One day when it shivered,
Lee shaked and quivered
When out shot hundreds of bees!
There once was a cowboy named Boone,
Who always hung out in a saloon,
He sat on a thistle,
And boy, did he whistle,
And he sat, picking them out by the moon.
A young piggy-patriot named Pearl
was arrested for straightening her curl.
The pigs did contend,
her tail she’d pretend,
was a glorious flag to unfurl.
There once was a Kangaroo
Who lived in a large zoo
He had a big pouch
when he fell he said ouch
That was pretty stupid too
There once was a lad named McGuire
who became an accomplished old liar
then one day
he ran away
when he came back he’s on fire
There once was a man named Juan
who everyone noticed was gone
they look all around
he was nowhere to be found
then they saw him come out from the john
There once was an old guy from Ruit
who wouldn’t eat nothin’ but fruit
he danced with the dog
had tea with a hog
which made most the people eat soup
There once was a demon named Bob
Who was contented to plunder and rob
He shot out lost souls
Through tiny nose holes
For that was his long-lasting job.
There once was a little creature,
Who had an unusual feature.
He flew here from Mars,
To raid all the bars,
Then he got spanked by his teacher.
There once was a guy named Dirk,
Who had a friend named Kirk.
They went up a hill,
Found a dollar bill,
And got coffee at Central Perk.
I know a Prince named Will,
Who’s mother has been killed.
Oh, he loved her so,
And with tears he showed,
How truly her love was real.
There once was a guy named Kyle,
Who always loved to smile.
He went to the fair,
Tripped over a bear,
Now there’s a lawsuit file.
There once was a poet named Chuck,
who couldn’t even rhyme the word duck.
Despite all his crying,
and hours of trying,
He threw up his arms and yelled chucks!
There once was a man from mars
who had a knack for selling used cars
he said take this one
and you’ll have lots of fun
except for the trunk full of tar
It’s hard to suppress Iron Mike’s
Obsession to bite what he likes
So if he’s seen nuthin’ grander
Than the ears of Evander
Then Mike bites if he likes? Yikes!
To a far away planet named Mars
The navy sent six jolly tars
And an Admiral
too as part of the crew
To serve up the grog at the bars.
On an African safari a man named Tunney
Asked his wife, «How do we avoid cannibals, honey ?»
Said she, «When we’re near their towns»,
«We’ll all dress as clowns»,
«Then they won’t eat us because we might taste funny».
There once was a family named Stein
There was Gert, there was Ep, there was Ein.
Gert’s poems are bunk
Ep’s statues are junk
And no one can understand Ein.
There once was a fisherman named Fisher,
Who was fishing for fish in a fissure.
When a cod with a grin
pulled the fisherman in,
Now they’re fishing the fissure for Fisher.
There once was a girl from the sticks
Who liked to write limericks.
But she failed at the sport,
‘Cause she wrote them too short.
There once was a boater named Sam,
who when he was stuck in a jam,
jumped from his boat,
yet stayed afloat,
till he went right over the dam.
There once was a boy from Quebec
Who bought a new stereo deck
He played it quite loud
In front of a crowd
And now his new deck is a wreck
There once was a man named Ken
who came walking ’round the bend
he stepped on a tack
and said yakety-yack
then he had to pass wind.
There once was a man who liked to bet
He even did it on the net
Then one bad day
The money went away
Now he’s drowning in debt
There was a guy named Jose
Who was nicknamed «no way».
He attended The Learning Academy;
His ambition was astronautics, not anatomy!
So now his nickname is «no weigh».
There once was a woman from Clyde
who fell into an outhouse and died.
The next day her brother
fell into the other
and now they’re in turd side by side.
There was a farmer from Leeds,
Who ate six packets of seeds,
It soon came to pass ,
He was covered with grass,
And he couldn’t sit down for the weeds
There once was a man named Crocket
Who put his foot in a socket
When along came a witch,
Who turned on the switch,
And sent Crocket up like a rocket.
There once was a cute little bunny,
Who I thought was sweet and funny.
He ate all the carrots,
And looked at the parrots,
And that was my cute little bunny.
There one was a man from Peru,
Who dreamed of eating his shoe,
he awoke with a fright,
in the middle of the night,
and found that his dream had come true!
There once was a man from France.
Who lived in a nest with ants.
He thought that he might
Stay up all night
And play with the ants and dance
There once was a man from France
Who liked to dance and dance
He thought he might
Give friends a delight
And dance with his dog Chance
There once was a frog from a city
Who jumped on a really cute kitty
He thought he might
Get thrown out at night
And walk on home feeling pity.
There once was a butterfly from France.
Who flew up and did a dance.
She thought that she might
crash into a kite
And never do another dance.